so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
