does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
