I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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