I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
