Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
