Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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