There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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