South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
