I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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