So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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