Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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