cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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