Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
