I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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