You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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