Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i already hear my dad disowning me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize