Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just want to make out with him forever
Im part way to drunk.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
