i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
