don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
