you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
