I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize