So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
