I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
