Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i came on her dog
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
