It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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