Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
