What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
