I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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