bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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