Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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