Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
