??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
