Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
