I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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