once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
