Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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