i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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