i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
