Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
