Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
