Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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