:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
