No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
