At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
