I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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