I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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