The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
