Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize