I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
