I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
