Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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