So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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