I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He has the fingertips of a God
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