so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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