I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My ATM looks so different sober.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
