Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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