My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
