she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
