We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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