my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
