I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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