Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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