I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
