Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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